Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- False Profits

Okay, this here is a review of the Star Trek Voyager episode "False Profits." It's full of spoilers and many references to Ferengi. Those who'd prefer to have Ferenginar go the way of Praxis may want to go someplace else altogether.

Why not hop on The Rail?

INITIAL VIEWER EXPERIENCE
Okay, I need to admit right away that I've never liked the Ferengi, but now that I've seen this episode...I like them even less!

PLOT
Voyager finds evidence of a wormhole which has been in the area about six months ago. The wormhole, Janeway figures, may not be fixed on this end, but may be fixed on the other end. They scan the nearby planets to see if anyone else knows about it, and they find a Bronze Age civilization with evidence of Alpha Quadrant replicator discharge.

Janeway sends Chakotay and Paris down in planet-side clothing while Torres and Kim get to work seeing if that wormhole leads back to the Alpha Quadrant.

Chakotay and Paris definitely get the worst of this deal, ending up wearing genie pants in a town square where a one-eyed bard babbles bad poetry about some sages. He tries to sell some of this crap to Paris and Chakotay, and for a moment, I think they've gone through that wormhole already and wound up in the French Quarter. In fact, a new guy approaches our duo and wants to bet them that he knows where they got dem shoes, but Paris and Chakotay blow him off.

Chakotay's tricorder finds a dampening field around a temple in the middle of the square. The shoe guy returns and explains they can only come to the temple if they're wearing their ears. Paris and Chakotay look around and, indeed, all the others have these metal ears on string around their necks. The ear-seller will trade them some ears for...Paris' shoes!

Torres and Kim tell Janeway that the wormhole does indeed jump around. If they can just polarize the disturbance the wormhole causes in space, they could attract the wormhole to reappear here.

Paris, whose feet are cold, and Chakotay gather with the others at the temple as a gong sounds. Paris' feet don't bother him so much anymore, however, when a group of babes straight from some David Lee Roth video appear. The Holy Sages (a pair of Ferengi) appear next. Then the holy icon! (the replicator) Then the holy suck-up! (Kafar) "Greed is eternal!" say the sages. "Greed is eternal!" shouts the crowd. I was hoping they'd do the wave next, but they calm down.

A man grovels at the stairs of the temple and is exploited by the "sages." They tell him he's poor because he's not exploiting his family and make him buy a set of the Rules of Acquisition for ten frangs.

Up on Voyager and high on their horse, Paris and Chakotay relate this disgusting sight. The Ferengi have exploited the ancient legend of some sages who come down to the planet and save everyone. The economy used to be flourishing, now the Ferengi are taking it all.

Janeway won't stand for this and, after a token Prime Directive objection from Tuvok, announces she wants the Ferengi taken out of there.

Kim and Torres report that while the wormhole looks like it's headed this way, it will only be open for a moment when it arrives. [Everyone catch the plot point?]

The Ferengi, Arridor and Kol, count up their profits like a drooling Abbot and Costello routine. They call their toady, Karfar, on the carpet, but then are beamed away before his eyes. He doesn't grieve.

In the transporter room, Janeway, Tuvok, and some guy confront Arridor and Kol, explaining that the Ferengi are going through the wormhole with them. Arridor talks of the social damage they are going to inflict on the planet by whisking away their gods. And (to my horror) Janeway agrees and transports them back down.

The wormhole starts to arrive.

At another conference, Paris argues that they can't leave the Ferengi on the planet, while Chakotay argues that they can't just beam them away, so Janeway wants to play a con game.

Arridor and Kol put up a transporter-repellent and gloat, but then respond with amazed horror as the Grand Proxy arrives. This is actually Neelix in disguise, proving that Ferengi are indeed uglier than Talaxians. Grand Proxy Neelix explains that they have been recalled to Ferenginar and all their wealth is forfeit. As Kafar enjoys watching Neelix say "hu-mans" with disgust, Arridor and Kol try to object and then offer tribute. Neelix won't stand for it and takes some of their wealth outside to distribute to the people like some sort of mutant Santa.

Left alone, Arridor and Kol decide to kill the Grand Proxy, and when Neelix returns they attack him. Neelix's nerve lasts about ten seconds, then he confesses all and leaves in disgrace.

Paris and Chakotay restrain themselves from calling Neelix a big loser and once again are accosted by the one-eyed bard. Chakotay thinks to ask him how the "Song of the Sages" ends, and we hear about how in the east three stars shine and the holy pilgrim leads the sages back on wings of fire. Hey, Neelix could be the Holy Pilgrim!

So Neelix goes up on the temple steps and tells everyone he's the Holy Pilgrim, and nobody seems to notice a strangely dressed creature claiming to be a messenger of God, so suddenly I think we're in the French Quarter again. But then Paris and Chakotay help whip up the crowd. Arridor and Kol come out to claim he's not the Holy Pilgrim, but the crowd's on a roll now and, besides, Voyager sends off some photon bursts to make those three stars in the sky. With Kafar's help the people realize it's time for the sages to leave. All they need are wings of fire, and suddenly it's a Ferengi-roast.

Voyager can't get past the dampening field, but, faced with death by fire, Arridor tells Paris and Chakotay where to find and destroy it. All are beamed up.

Chakotay very stupidly lets Arridor and Kol know their shuttle has been beamed into the shuttle bay. Ensign Murphy [who is certain to pay for having a name by being killed in future episode] is supposed to take Voyager's guests to the brig, but he gets clocked on the head. Arriidor and Kol steal their shuttle so they can return to the surface for their loot, but rampant technobabble sends their shuttle into the wormhole. Voyager tries to follow, but more technobabble makes the wormhole skip off without them.

Janeway sets course for the Alpha Quadrant, and I was really hoping that would be it, but then we go down to the surface and see Kafar handing back the people's wealth. A star shoots across the sky and Kafar says, [groan] "The holy ones are going home."