Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- Lifesigns

Hello there and put down that fanfic! It's time for another one of Julia's reviews of Star Trek Voyager, episode "Lifesigns," which is the most romantic Trek since "Attached." This episode serves as proof that the Voyager writers (who've been unable to do Jack- Doo-Doo with Kes and Neelix) may actually understanding at least some secrets of the human heart. And, far sooner than I was expecting for him, the Doctor learns some of what he needs to know about the cryin' game. But if all this romance doesn't mean Jack Doo-Doo to you, then may I suggest that you go someplace where the warmth of the human (or holographic, or Vidiian) heart doesn't get that much attention?

Like, say, The Arctic Studies Center?

Not interested? OK, then...

INITIAL VIEWER EXPERIENCE
A ha! I think I've finally figured out what's going on with Paris!!! [but you'll have to wait until CHARACTER to hear about it] Hee hee hee...That's the best-looking Vidiian we've seen yet, but I still wouldn't want to borrow her skin-cream...ask Dr. Paris, eh?...Ah, that's so sweeeeeeet!...I once dated a guy with that car, but he didn't bring me flowers (or park on Mars, for that matter)...Great ending!

PLOT
Babbling a silly story about delivering Wildman's baby, Paris shows up looking a little rumpled and late for his duty shift. Kim looks worriedly at Chakotay, who overtly suppresses his "you're really getting on my nerves" look and informs Paris that this is the third time this week the pilot has been late. Paris promises that it won't happen again and sits at the conn.

The ship receives an SOS from a single-person ship with faint lifesigns [Hence the title!]. These turn out to belong to a Vidiian female, and after making sure there aren't any other Vidiians waiting around to snatch the crew's organs, Janeway has the unconscious woman transported to Sickbay.

The woman lays on a biobed with a doo-hickey in her head that flickers with differently colored lights. The Doctor scans her as Kes watches and says that the doo-hickey is some sort of brain-implant neural processor which stores and augments higher brain functions. The implant is working fine, but it's attached to mostly dead brain cells. The Doctor plans to use the implant to transfer the woman's consciousness from her own body into the holomatrix, then put the body in stasis so they can figure out how to make her better, sort of like separating the grease from the gravy before you put it in the fridge. Doc makes a holographic body of her based on her DNA (which also provides a model of a healthy Vidiian), and looks very pleased with himself.

Chakotay has gone over the woman's shuttle and tells Janeway that she was en route to a remote Vidiian colony which is about three weeks down their flight path. She says they might as well drop the woman off if they can do so without too much risk. Chakotay nods, then gets to the issue that's really on his mind. It's time he did something about Paris, but he wants her permission, since Paris has been her "personal reclamation project." Janeway says the matter of crew discipline, as always, is his concern.

Doc finishes the transfer of the woman's consciousness and wakes her up with a gentle touch. Even those among us who are completely insensitive to others' feelings can tell she doesn't like being touched as she flinches away before she's even fully awake. She gives her name, Denara Pel, and explains that she's a doctor, a hematologist, who was trying to treat some sick people before returning to her distant home colony. She is completely amazed at her "healed" body, but the Doctor explains that this is only a holographic body, and gives her a mirror in which to see her lovely face. She cries, displeasing him -- he's just so proud of his clever little self -- and explains that she never thought she'd see herself healthy again. It seems she caught the phage when she was seven.

The Doctor explains the limitations to holographic existence and she's amazed that he is a computer simulation himself. She asks him his name, and this irritates him so much that he takes her over to her real body: a sight which seems to creep her out pretty thoroughly. However, she'd better get used to that sight because she can only spend about a week as a hologram before her synaptic pattern degrade.

[Hey, this is giving me an idea. What would I do if I could spend a week as a hologram? I could make myself look like Cindy Crawford, or Batgirl, or Batman, for that matter. Or Mothra. Or maybe I'd just see if I could finally fit into those pants I bought on sale last summer.]

Well, while she lives as a hologram, they'll have to think of a way to heal her body's brain tissue or at least hook that implant up to some healthy cells.

So this leads the Doctor to ask Torres for some Klingon brain tissue, and Torres is soooo happy to denote a slice of her brain to a Vidiian doctor after she had such a wonderful time in that Vidiian lab! She's soooo happy about it, in fact, that I think she's about to rip the Doctor's holographic head off and deposit something unmentionable down his holographic neck.

But Denara puts in an appearance and assures Torres that she doesn't want the engineer to do anything she doesn't want to do. Torres proves she's as much a soft touch as the rest of the crew and agrees to the procedure.

Denara and the Doctor work on Denara's brain and the Doctor mentions that he's using a variation of the a technique invented by Dr. Leonard McCoy. [Very unwelcome memories of "Spock's Brain" spring to my mind.] He goes on at some length about his super-duper abilities, and says they'll have to wait two to three days to see if the graft will hold. The Doctor wants her to rest, but Denara wants a tour of the ship. The Doctor informs her this isn't possible for holograms and suggests some medical reading instead. Mr. Excitement then thinks of Sandrine's.

Neelix and Paris play pool and there's some of that French music in the background, and the Doctor sits with Denara at a table. And enraptured Denara explains that her people frown on social gatherings because of risk of contracting the phage. Neelix comes over to make his oh-so-pleasant self known, and the holographic gigolo asks her to dance, reaching for her hand. She pulls away from the touch and the attention and Doc shoos the two away from his patient. The gigolo claims the Doc's just jealous because he can't dance, but Neelix knows it really is time to withdraw and takes Twinkle Toes with him.

Alone now, Doc and Denara discuss aspects of their lives, from Denara's loneliness to the Doc's inability to dance. Denara applauds the Doctor's humor (a joke about Neelix' hic-coughs), and gives him the name "Smullus," after her uncle, who also made her laugh. I'm not sure, but I think it narrowly beats out Schweitzer for the name that would get you teased the most in homeroom.

Of course, I'm still rooting for "Fred."

Date ended, they phase back to Sickbay and look at each other like twelve-year-olds playing "Two Minutes in the Closet." The Doctor deactivates her for eight hours to help slow the degradation of her pathways, and the Doc stands alone, highly disturbed.

Chakotay walks over to Paris in the messhall, obviously feeling it's time they Had a Talk. He even calls him "Tom" and tells him that he's noticed things aren't so perfect with the helmsman. Surprising and irritating Chakotay, Paris says that the only thing wrong on Voyager is the commander, who won't let him do his job, take initiative, or listen to his opinion. Chakotay abandons the counselor role with alacrity (and relish, if you ask me) and tells Paris to bite him. Paris stands up, saying loudly that there are a lot of people who don't like Chakotay, then leaves. In the wide-eyed crowd behind him, Jonas watches.

And zee plot thickens!

Jonas tells his Kazon control all about this and is told to create an accident in Voyager's warp coils. Jonas balks and wants to talk directly to Seska.

Kes talks to the Doctor, who reveals his feelings for Denara. Kes says he won't know what might become of those feelings unless he reveals how he feels about Denara to Denara. Doc seems surprised that it's that simple.

But Kes really should have given Doc more guidance, because when next we see him he's operating on Denara's real body while the holographic Denara watches, and he calmly announces that he has romantic feelings for her. Rather than being swept away at this display of romantic genius, she backs off and tells him to cool it. The Doctor looks shaken as well as stirred, but continues with his work.

We're in Sandrine's again. Paris is listening to the crowd and the music, all alone, since he seems to have alienated just about everyone on board. The Doctor enters and goes directly to him for advice about romance, figuring the lieutenant knows all about getting his heart stomped. He claims the advice is for someone else, and Paris doesn't figure out the routine before he's told Doc that getting over someone who doesn't like you back is just about the worst thing ever. While the horrified Doctor listens, Paris talks about the first time he was dumped, by "Suzie Crabtree" (who, of course, must be certifiably insane). He broke out in a rash and thought his life was over, but then, with time...but no, you never really get over someone you really care about.

The Doctor's head is buried in his hand now, and Paris finally realizes why the hologram looks so upset. "Looks like you've got it bad," he says with genuine sympathy, then asks the Doc to give him all the details. Maybe he can help.

Meanwhile, Kes works on the Denara side of the equation, figuring out that she does, in fact, like the Doctor, but can't figure out why or if he really likes her back. Kes tells her to go for it.

Back in Sandrine's, Paris tells the Doc that he probably just scared Denara off, and that she sounds shy. He then gets an idea and tells the Doc to come with him.

Well, now we get to see Paris' idea. Doc sits in a '57 Chevy convertible on Mars, the panorama of the Martian city spread out in the valley below, stars twinkling above. He's anxious, and looks around uncomfortably. Denara phases into the seat next to him, and he smiles with pleasure and nerves. She says she had trouble making up her mind, but she really wants to be here, then asks where "here" is and what they're doing.

"I believe it's called...parking," Doc says, and tells her about Mars while passing her some flowers, candy, and a teddy bear. He turns the radio to "I Only Have Eyes for You" and talks about the stars, and his new dancing subroutine, and whatever else he can think of until he finally relaxes, strokes the smooth skin of Denara's cheek, and goes into the clinch. Kiss kiss cuddle cuddle.

"And I only have eyes for yooooooooooooou!"

Next day on the bridge, Paris is late again, and Chakotay tells him he's not taking the shift at all. Paris sneers a bit, appeals to Janeway, and finally asks when he should report back for duty with "Bite me" once again in his eyes. Chakotay sends him off with a "When you can be on time," and Paris shoves him. With all the believability of an NBA guard, Chakotay falls to the floor, and Janeway has Tuvok take Paris to the brig.

Jonas finally gets to talk directly to Seska and agrees to plan the warp coil accident. She tells them they'll be waiting on a Hemekek 4.

Well, Denara's treatment is pretty much at a close, and Doc goes to put her back in her body, when...her body has been poisoned! The Klingon graft isn't working right! Someone has attacked Denara!

And that someone, Denara says, is herself. After Kes leaves, Denara explains that she's had more life on this ship as a hologram than she's had or could ever have in her real body. The ship is full of friendly people and she's healthy and whole. Before she came here she was just a disease, now she's the woman he loves. She doesn't want to be ugly again.

"Denara, you're not ugly, you're simply ill," Doc says, but she accuses him of patronizing her. Surely when she's sick again he won't love her anymore.

Doc explains that before he met her he was nothing more than an excellent medical hologram. Now he knows love and he wants every second of it he can get. If she returns to her body, they'll still have two weeks before she will have to leave to return to her people and help treat the phage. And her body -- her diseased skin, all that -- doesn't change anything. She looks at him, wanting to believe him.

The Doctor waits in an empty Sandrine's. The real Denara comes through the door, waiting for his reaction. He walks up to her and tenderly strokes the phage-ravaged skin of her cheek, then turns on the music that was playing in Sandrine's earlier.

And they dance!