Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- Parturition

Welcome to my spoiler-filled review of the Star Trek Voyager episode, "Parturition," which means, BTW, "the act of bringing forth life" or "birth." Now, as for why they couldn't just name it "Birth," hey don't ask me! I'm just the reviewer here. This review is intended expressly for the enjoyment and relief of Voyager fans, especially those who like Paris, but not when he's behaving like a jerk. If you don't care what happens to Paris or his Starfleet friends, may I suggest you go do something else today?

How about Noah's pictures of himself for six years?

Not interested? Well, then let's get to the review!

INTIAL VIEWER EXPERIENCE
Oh, good grief, Paris, keep your hands off her!...Not a bad character insight, Kim...Okay, so instead of the group hug we got last week, now we're just going to get a Paris-Neelix hug? Well, actually, that's pretty good, though I'd still watch Paris around Kes if I were Neelix.

I Neelix???? Aaaaaaaauuuugghhh!

PLOT
Paris is running Kes through a shuttle simulation, during which she fixes mechanical problems, dodges unfriendly fire, and fall into Paris' arms. He looks about ready to faint with lust, and they have a contest to see whose voice can be huskier. He does manage to control himself, but the two of them are all giggles as they come out of the holodeck. Neelix, it turns out, is watching them from down the corridor.

Chakotay talks to Janeway in her ready room. They're running very low on food supplies. A day out of their way they've found a planet which may have edible plant life, though it's hard to tell since the planet is shrouded with electromagnetic readings all over the place. Stellar cartography for once gets to make a joke, and has named the planet "Hell." Janeway has them set a course.

Paris visits Kim, who's practicing on the clarinet he replicated with a week's worth of replicator rations. [Hey! Maybe that's how they keep replacing their shuttlecraft. It only takes 498,847,734,297 weeks' worth of replicator rations!] Paris says to play something pessimistic, then confesses that he's in love with Kes, even though he knows that's bad. Kim tsk-tsks him sternly and suggests that Paris enjoys setting himself up for rejection. He also refuses to play sad songs (even though they say so much, don't they?)

Neelix and Kes have dinner, with Neelix growing increasingly jealous about Paris. Kes tells him he's being silly.

Chakotay and Janeway view Hell from the bridge, and the Doctor signals in that even though he has not been properly included on mission briefings, he's been listening in and knows the away team will need some protection from the harmful vapors in Hell's atmosphere. He's whipping up a batch of dermal sealant for the team, but Janeway is more interested in this "listening in" he's been doing and tells him to stop. Torres reports that they won't be able to transport properly through Hell's atmosphere. They'll need to use a shuttle.

Kim and Paris go into the mess hall, but Paris falters at the sight of Kes eating at one of the tables. Muttering through big smiles, they take their trays of food -- today's special is follicle pasta, and not angel follicle, either -- and sit at a different table from Kes. Kim, however, is called away, and Paris is left to eat the pasta by himself. Behind him, Kes pouts and stalks off. Neelix finally confronts Paris and claims he's scoopin' on his babe. Paris tell him he's crazy, and to prove it Neelix pushes the tray of pasta into Paris' chest. Paris pushes Kim's abandoned tray into Neelix' chest, and the two of them wrestle around. The mess hall enjoys the floor show until Janeway signals in and orders the two of them to her ready room right now.

Standing in their tomato-sauced (at least I hope it's tomato sauce) outfits, Paris and Neelix resist their assignment to shuttle down to Hell and gather food. Janeway tells them to settle whatever personal problems they're having and do their jobs.

Cleaned up but not meeting each other's eyes, Paris and Neelix attend a conference where Torres explains that Hell's atmosphere opens up a little windows every 30 hours or so through which they can transport supplies. Paris and Neelix are to shuttle down and the gather supplies to be transported.

Kes waylays Neelix in the hall, but he refuses to discuss his fight with Paris. Angry, she ends up in Sickbay, where the Doctor pesters her until she explains that she's upset over Paris and Neelix fighting over her. She says Paris isn't interested in her. But the Doctor says that Paris' attraction to her is obvious. She is only two years old, though. She may not have known to look for it. She says that on her world people mate for life and that's all there is to it. She wonders what she can do to fix things up, and he says she didn't cause this problem, so there's nothing she can do about it. Paris and Neelix will have to work it out for themselves.

Paris and Neelix snipe at each other and fly towards Hell. Paris and Neelix snipe at each other and crash. Paris and Neelix snipe at each other as Paris decides they need to leave the damaged shuttle for better shelter.

Voyager reads that the shuttle has crashed and starts scanning for survivors.

Outside, Paris and Neelix snipe at each other, walk around a lot of barren-looking rocks, and itch in the vapors. Neelix wonders why the scanners said this planet had food.

Kim tells Kes not to worry.

Paris and Neelix snipe at each other and find a cave, then seal it off and settle down to wait for their rescue. They discuss Starfleet survival protocols, and Paris says he got a B- in survival training (his father was teaching it that year). The sniping starts to get kind of ugly when they suddenly hear a sound. Whipping out tricorders, they find that new life signs are registering and go to investigate.

Voyager is challenged by an alien ship which positions itself between Voyager and the planet.

Paris and Neelix find the lifesigns' source: a group of large eggs. One of the eggs hatches and out pops a lizard handpuppet who basically says "Momma!

Torres and Kim tell Janeway that they will soon be able to transport through a window in the atmosphere, but since they don't know where Paris and Neelix are, they may not be able to find them before the window closes. Janeway decides their best bet is to take Voyager through the window. Tuvok figures out how to disable the alien ship.

Paris and Neelix wonder where the mother lizard is. Paris wants to leave the kid where they found it, but Neelix is worried that they've contaminated the nest. He eventually convinces Paris that they have to wait and see what happens to the little guy. Of course, it wouldn't be in their characters actually to know anything about babies, but Neelix does take off his jacket to wrap around the slimy thing when it starts shivering. Warm, the tike falls asleep.

Tuvok's plan works fine and they get around the alien ship without destroying it.

The lizard is getting weaker but won't eat Paris and Neelix's field rations. The kid does seem to enjoy chewing on Neelix's jacket, however, and Paris figures out that Hell's vapors are actually a source of food for the kid. They cut off that food when they sealed up the cave.

Voyager swoops towards the atmospheric window, but the alien ship passes them to get there first.

Outside the cave, Paris and Neelix find that the baby is too weak now to breath in the vapors properly, and Neelix wants to give it a stimulant. Paris instead uses the hypospray as an "eyedropper," filling it up with the vapors and shooting it into the baby's mouth. The kid revives.

Now this is cool. Free babyfood and no spit-ups. I bet they don't even have to burp the little guy.

Voyager is running out of time before the atmospheric window closes, but Torres can't locate Neelix or Paris.

With the baby all better now, Paris and Neelix spray sealant on their skin and talk. Can bonding be far behind?

Well, no, but first Neelix apologizes for the pasta incident, and Paris confesses that he is attracted to Kes, but that he would never act on that because she's taken. Neelix says he's heard people talking about Paris in the mess hall, that he used to be a coward and couldn't be trusted. Paris says that used to be true, but that isn't who he is anymore. This up-side down mission has given him a second chance, and he doesn’t intend to blow it.

Voyager manages to contact Paris and Neelix and warns them that one of the aliens is closing on their location. They explain about the baby lizard and that they don't want to leave until they're sure the mother won't reject the kid. Janeway gives them a minute.

Paris and Neelix hide behind some more rocks. The mother (or father or thing) comes along and does indeed accept the baby. Voyager beams them out...to Kes, who's happy that they have bonded. Neelix expansively enjoys being Mr. Friendly and suggests a perfectly horrid drink to celebrate. If I were Paris, I'd tell Neelix to stick it and run.

I Paris????? Aaaaaaaauuuugghhh!

I mean, I'd have to buy all new clothes.