Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- Phage

All right then, you have accessed the site for a review of the Star Trek Voyager episode, "Phage," which is expressly intended for the enjoyment of Voyager fans, and maybe the truly demented medical student. All those who want to maintain their original associations with the word "harvesting" should go elsewhere.

And if you want to go there by plane, why don't you use Yahoo Travel?

Still in your chair? Okay, then, but don't say I didn't warn you.

INITIAL VIEWER EXPERIENCE
Finally we get to see more of the Doctor!...Boy, I thought about ripping out Neelix's lungs a long time ago...Are the Star Trek writers reading my mind? Perhaps they're using satellites to scan my brain! I...the voices...they tell me...the voices say I must kill those who know the secrets of my pantry...the voices speak and I obey!

Where was I? Oh yes. Ahem. Very good episode.

PLOT
Voyager goes to a planet Neelix says is rich in dilithium. Janeway and Chakotay joke about their horrid breakfasts, which actually sound better than what I usually find in my fridge, before Janeway goes into her private mess.

Which isn't so private anymore. Without permission, Neelix has ripped up her mess to make a galley and is currently serving spicy and ugly vegetables to the crew.

As if this weren't enough, Neelix then talks his way onto Chakotay's away team down to the planet. They walk around the rough tunnels looking for signs of dilithium, and don't notice when a smooth tunnel suddenly appears, and a shadowy shape walks past.

Neelix notices something odd, doesn't run away from it, and finally gets his come-uppance. (You can only push things so far, Mr. Talaxian.) The shadowy shape pops out and zaps him with a wicked-looking phaser-thing.

Chakotay and Kim find Neelix in a seizure and beam him to Sickbay. The Doctor sticks a blood gas infuser on him and announces that his lungs have been removed.

Trying to deal with Paris' "assistance" and Kes' anxiety over her man (or male, if you prefer), the Doctor knows the infuser will only work a little while before Neelix's blood toxicity will kill him.

Tuvok, Janeway, Kim, and some guy beam back to the planet. They find that one of the tunnel walls is actually a forcefield and break through it with a phaser. They go down one of those smooth tunnels.

Kes volunteers a lung to help Neelix, but the Doctor says no one matches Neelix' system and that his lungs are also too difficult to replicate. Instead, the Doctor realizes he can give the computer direct control over that complexity by using holographic lungs. Paris objects that holograms aren't real matter, but the Doctor says all that's needed is the ability to stop real matter and then let real matter pass through. That holographic lungs can do. Kes demands an explanation of all that's involved, including that Neelix will have to be held motionless until his original lungs can be replaced, before she gives her okay to the procedure.

The away team finds that the end of the tunnel leads into a large organ bank. Tubs and jars and tubes hold all manner of lungs, spleens, stomachs, livers, onions, you name it.



Neelix's lungs aren't there, though, and they follow another tunnel out into the indigenous rock to confront that shadowy alien. Phaser fire is exchanged. The alien escapes behind a modulated force field, but he drops his wicked-looking phaser-thing. Chakotay signals that a ship just appeared and zipped off at warp speed. The away team beams back, and Voyager lays in a pursuit course.

After a few tense moments, the Doctor's holographic lungs work in Neelix and the little guy wakes up. He jokes around, tormenting the Doctor and complaining about the ugly ceiling. Maybe he'd like some of those vegetables up there instead! But he's obviously very frightened, and vents that fear with jealous ranting about Paris. Kes just stands by her man, even though, well, he may never stand again.

Torres tells Janeway that the alien's wicked-looking phaser-thing is also a medical scanner. Point it at someone, and you can read everything about them, right down to their DNA sequence, then you can beam out their organs too. Janeway wonders why any race would go to the trouble of making such a thing.

The alien ship goes out of warp and into an asteroid. Voyager, naturally, follows, though they do a pretty good job of making it look dangerous. The walls of the asteroid tunnel are close.

Neelix stares at the ceiling Kes has decorated. He calls out to the Doctor for help; he has an itch above his eye. The awful restraint of his situation gets to him and he demands to be let out. The Doctor has to sedate him.

The tunnel through the asteroid ends in a huge hall of mirrors, with dampening fields, and everything else necessary to prevent Voyager from figuring out which of the ships they see before them is actually the alien ship and which is just a reflection. Paris follows the ship's ion trail, very slowly.

The Doctor asks Kes to be there when Neelix wakes up. He's very upset by the whole situation, being the full-time doctor with no nurse (Paris doesn't count) and no psychiatric counselor. Kes immediately takes over that counseling role by telling the Doctor how remarkable he's been. He asks if she's ever considered a career in medicine, and then Neelix wakes up.

The asteroid's dampening fields are draining warp power, and Janeway thinks about firing on their source, but that would just make the phaser beam ricochet. Chakotay realizes they could use a non-destructive beam to bounce off the walls until it hits the alien ship. They try it and find the ship, then beam over the two life signs aboard.

Janeway and company go to the transporter room and we all meet the Vidiians. They're even uglier than Neelix' vegetables and the ceiling combined. Diseased skin covers their misshapen bodies, and we learn that they are the victims of a hideous disease called the phage [Hence the title!]. Their whole society has been brought down by this phage, which targets the organs. The only means they've found of fighting off the disease for a while is to replace the organs, which would be fine if they hadn't run out of organs a long time ago. Now they spend their time getting them wherever they can be found.

You know, it's a shame the Vidiians don't live in the Alpha Quadrant, because I'm sure Walmart would be running a special on organs all this week. Buy two lungs and get a special discount coupon on a spleen, or something like that.

Janeway is moved by their tale of a civilization once beautiful which has been reduced to organ scroungers, but she wants Neelix's lungs back. The first alien explains that he has already adapted them for use in the second alien and they cannot be returned. Janeway now considers her options. She could kill them, which would make her no better than they are; she could lock them up in the brig, and hold onto them for God knows how long. She can't turn them over to Starfleet -- at least, not for about 70 years or so -- or she can let them go with the warning that if she ever sees any of them coming after her crew's organs again, she'll respond with the "deadliest force."

The first alien -- or was it the second? They look so alike with those tire-tread-green-cottage-cheese faces! -- anyway, the shorter alien says they will help Neelix if they can because Janeway has spared their lives.

Down in Sickbay, they insult the Doctor and announce that anyone there could be a lung donor for Neelix. They'll just adjust his immunogenetic setting. Kes volunteers to give Neelix one of her lungs because he's done so much for her. [Jeepers, I couldn't even get my last boyfriend to give me some of his Doritos.] Janeway says that Neelix can keep his galley until they get the replicators fixed.

Kes wakes up feeling short of a lung (actually, she's pretty short, period! Hahahaha -- sorry), and the Doctor tells her once she's adjusted to reduced lung capacity, he'll start training her as a medical assistant.

CHARACTER
Well, we're finally getting some news about the Doctor, and good news at that. I was, I admit, concerned that the writers would simply make him another Data -- and that still could happen, certainly -- but instead we have someone whose helpfulness inflates rather than eliminates his ego. When situations arise that threaten to make him inadequate, he blames the situation -- being without a real doctor, nurse or counselor, being on the ship of the damned -- not himself. He believes himself to be a wonderful program, and does not suffer the Vidiians' superiority gladly.

But he does recognize the seriousness of his situation. His program is warning his users that he will not be able to do his job because he isn't functioning within the parameters of his design. Moreover, he is frustrated with the person who is supposed to be easing some of his burden, and jumps at the opportunity to replace this person with someone whose talent for the job is obvious. This all seems fairly logical computer behavior, though I'm sure we'll get more "human" behavior from him presently.

His relationship with Kes should be interesting as well. She's about an non-computer as they come, and seems impervious to his rudeness. Of course, the fact that she's not rude back seems to help her quite a bit.

But mostly, the Doctor's development is fun because he is funny. In his dialogue, his expressions, his tone of voice, he is quite entertaining comic relief, with none of the cutesy-pie I'm-such-a-child quality of Data or the someone-fix-my-teeth repulsiveness of Quark. Of course, humor is one of the most personal choices we make, so I'm sure there will be many who disagree with me. Hey, more power to you, man.

Kes will make a fine medic. Paris in Sickbay didn't work for me at all.

THOUGHT
Well, the Vidiians are our second Delta Quadrant villains, and I like them better than the Kazon. The idea of a people who once had a lot going for them but now spend Saturday nights harvesting organs really gives me the creeps.

I know that Janeway's decision to let them go -- despite the fact that this decision is what saves Neelix's life -- is not popular. However, she makes a good point which, hopefully, Voyager will develop a great deal in future episodes.

Voyager is all alone out there: no replacement crew, no starbase for fuel and repairs, no ships to call on for assistance, and, most importantly, no Starfleet authority. Janeway is both captain and admiral out there, as well as judge, jury, and executioner. She will be the last word on criminals, marriage, social accommodations, promotion -- you name it. When the Vidiians are presented to her, she really only has the options of killing them, hanging onto them forever, or letting them go, and thus using them as a warning to other Vidiians and perhaps saving the lives of others of her crew. Primarily, it's the best she can make of a situation that wouldn't be tolerated back in the Alpha Quadrant.

I mean, think about it. How long would it take the Klingons, Romulans, and Federations to make a temporary treaty so they could band together and wipe out any race that started acting like the Vidiians? A couple hours? Even the Breen would get in on the act, and the Cardassians too. Fire phasers and photons and disrupters and yamuk sauce until not a single Vidiian would be around to complain about their little disease any more. The Ferengi would sell pieces of Vidiians as good luck charms, the Klingons would write an opera or two about the Great Vidiian Massacre, and the Federation would doubtlessly construct some guilt-induced museum when it was all over, but that would be that.

Janeway and company are not only having to deal with space without Starfleet, they are having to deal with a space that would not exist were Starfleet or any of its fellow empires around. Not only will our crew -- itself compromised by a mix of Starfleet and Maquis members -- have to compromise its principles just to survive, it will have to adapt its whole method of dealing with survival. Escape has become not a disgrace but a victory, dominance a dream, and good relations a momentary pleasantness. In the end, Janeway simply wants to be rid of these vampires, and never see them again.

I also like the idea of meeting aliens with radically different levels of technology in this new quadrant. In the Alpha Quadrant, once a civilization becomes warp-compatible it shares its technology, at least in inspiration, with the other warp cultures. We're some place completely new here, and having outstanding medical capabilities may have nothing to do with having replicators or transporters, or the wheel, for that matter.

The hall of mirrors as a handy refuge during emergency operations is a cool idea and a half. Do the Vidiians have many such places scattered around the area?

SPECTACLE
And the award for Worst Prop Ever To Pass Itself Off As A Piece of Equipment goes to...the Doctor's bubble-thing. What, exactly, is that supposed to be? I've seen that bubble-thing at Sharper Image, and I guess it looks kind of cool, but drawing a black line on it with magic marker makes it look like, well, a bubble-thing with a line on it. I can only pray that future episodes will show this thing as little as possible.

And the award for Best Expression By An Extra goes to the security guy in Sickbay when the Vidiian points his wicked-looking phaser-thing at him. I get so tired of stone-faced guards. The look on his face was not rebellious, just extremely uncomfortable. What a treat!

DICTION
Some really great lines in this. Neelix and the Doctor may not wear well as a duo, but they're a scream in this episode.

"But a hologram is just a projection of light held in a magnetic containment field. There's no real matter involved."
SLAP! -- Paris and the Doctor, showing he understands there's a time when words alone won't do the trick.

"Well, if I'm going to be in here for awhile, now's as good a time as any to tell you: your ceiling is hideous."
"I didn't design the room. I just work here." -- Neelix and the Doc.

"Don't worry, I'm not going to kiss you. I'm only adjusting the restraint." "I'll try to contain my disappointment." -- Doc and Neelix.

"He's just one big hormone walking around the ship." -- Neelix to Kes about Paris.

"Tuvok, what would happen if we locked phasers and fired at the source?"
"The walls of this chamber reflect directed energy. The phaser beam would ricochet along an unpredictable path, possibly impacting our ship in the process."
"All right, we won't try that." -- Janeway and Tuvok.

"This is set to stun, only."
"Proceed...carefully." -- Alien #2 (?) and Tuvok.


SONG
Lovely creepy music down in the tunnels. Real musicians are so much better than that canned junk.

And now for the baggage...

STAR TREK ELEMENTS WE (OR I, ANYWAY) LOVE
The limitless possibilities for aliens to reflect earth culture is one of Star Trek's greatest strengths. It's horrible when abused, of course (see TOS "Let that be Your Last Battlefield"), but when the parallels don't hit you on the head every five seconds, it's great. The Vidiians are loathsome, but not so different from humans caught in true desperation. Writers, thank you very much for not having a speech where someone says so.

STAR TREK ELEMENTS WE (OR I, ANYWAY) HATE
Cheap props. If I want to see bubbles, I'll watch reruns of Late Night.

Well, that's the end of this one.

Star Trek Voyager Reviews

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