Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- The Swarm

Okay, this is a review of the Star Trek Voyager episode, "The Swarm," and is intended solely for the private use and enjoyment of those who like Voyager and who have had that dream -- you know the one -- where you're trying to run away from all these little creatures, but they crawl all over you and you can't shake them off, and they just hang on you and weigh you down until you're talking to your father while trained seals balance your checkbook on their nose.

What? Is it just me?

Well, this is a review and as such it contains many spoilers. Those who don't want to know why the Voyager itself may well dream about being dragged down by little creatures should definitely go elsewhere.

In the spirit of paranoia, may I suggest The Smoking Gun?

No? Well then...

INITIAL VIEWER EXPERIENCE
The Doc sings...kind of...and I must admit I was wondering when his program was going to start showing signs of overload...Hey, Doc, don't operate on Paris when you can't remember where you put things!...Will the Doctor sew Paris back up with his holographic watch inside him? Will it make any difference? Maybe every time Paris comes into sickbay he'll start ticking like the crocodile in Peter Pan...Janeway, I'm glad you won't back down to bullies, but isn't this a really good way to get your butt kicked?...That is a pretty cool way of fixing the Doctor...Are we going to be seeing this Swarm again?

PLOT
Torres and Paris have been shuttling around for five hours, tracking some strange, perhaps meaningless (yeah, right) energy signatures. Paris tries using the ole charm on Torres, but scanners detect something and the shuttle is stopped by a tachyon field. Two bug-like humanoids beam aboard and shoot our friends in the gut.

The Doctor tries his hand at La Boheme with a prissy Diva. She levels at him the worst possible insult: "It's like singing with a computer!" He gets so upset he can't sing anymore. In fact, he seems to have forgotten the lyrics altogether.

In Sickbay, the Doctor's discombobulation increases as he tends to Torres, who was not seriously hurt by the creatures' neural-electric weapons. Paris is more seriously injured.

In the conference room, Tuvok reports that they have picked up a subspace signal they can't decode and a map suggesting some sort of stellar border line. The meaning is clear enough: Keep out! Neelix says he has heard of this sector of space and that keeping out is a good idea. However, Janeway isn't willing to go around the area and add fifteen months to their journey. She wants Kim to figure out how they can get through the area without alerting anyone. Kim explains that they will have to figure out how to fool the sensor net the aliens -- well, actually, in this section of space the creatures are the locals and Voyager's crew are the aliens, but it's not that sort of episode -- have laid out. Tuvok objects that this may violate the Prime Directive and Janeway says she's not backing down from a bunch of bullies.

The Doctor links in to report that Paris will need surgery. He preps for the operation and hums La Boheme, then tells Kes about the difficulties of finding someone to sing Mimi's part. In the middle of all this prattle, he seems to forget what he's doing and (like many a teacher I've had!) masks his own uncertainty by inventing a pop quiz for Kes. This doesn't work long (again like with many a teacher I've had), and it becomes clear that something is horribly wrong with the Doctor's programming. Together, they barely finish the operation, which is lucky for Paris.

Torres checks out the Doctor and finds that his memory is breaking apart. He wasn't supposed to have been up and running this long, and though Torres thought she had jerry-rigged him to keep working, the set-up isn't hanging together any more.

The obvious answer is to reboot -- sorry, reinitialize -- the Doctor, but this means he'll have no memory of the past two years. Janeway asks the Doctor what he thinks of this and he responds that although he doesn't want to lose his memories, his first priority is to work properly and help the crew. Kes pleads that his memories are worth the respect of sentient life (kind of, anyway), and Janeway tells the Doctor, "If a crewmember came down with a debilitating illness, you'd do everything in your power to help them. I think we owe you nothing less." The Doctor looks touched by this and Torres gets to work.

Chakotay and Kim show Janeway their plan for getting through the sensor net undetected and their path for crossing the sector of space in only a few days. Janeway goes for it, and only Tuvok seems surprised or worried by this.

Torres endures the Doctor's complaints about her bedside manner for a change.

[Where am I?...Oh, the time-space rift has caught me again. Be not afraid, for I, Julia, come from the future. Oh, you primitive people who don't know what a wondrous future awaits you in the episode, "Darkling," where the Doctor will screw up his program by trying to improve his bedside manner. Was he motivated by this moment in his life, feeling what it's like to be the patient for a change? Oh, the rift is opening ag--]

Torres decides to get to the heart of the matter in the holodeck, with the original Jupiter Station Diagnostic Program Alpha 11. She transfers the ever-worsening Doctor in and he dimly recalls the place. Torres explains that a Diagnostic Matrix was put in the computer to help deal with problems relating to the EMH program, but she is surprised when this Matrix turns out to have taken the same form as the EMH program himself. The Matrix is based more directly on the original Luis Zimmerman, but he shares the Doctor's warmth and tact. Torres bites her tongue and explains their problem. The Matrix in turn explains that the EMH program was intended only for 1500 hours' use or so and that the EMH should be reinitialized. Torres wants the Matrix to work on another option while she goes to help the ship cross over the sensor net border.

The crossing is successful, but Paris quickly discovers that Voyager won't go as fast as she should through the section of space. Some sort of resonant particle wave (or whatever) is dragging at them. Tuvok finds the Swarm itself: thousands of tiny ships gathered like a school of motionless fish. Janeway orders everyone not to wake them.

The Matrix discovers the cause of the Doc's bad memory: he's got too much worthless junk in there, like opera and relationships. He seems particularly interested to learn the Doc has seen some action with women. Kes has entered during this and objects that the Doctor's feelings are not worthless junk. The Matrix demonstrates that the Doctor can't even remember who Kes is.

Tuvok finds a ship in their path, and Janeway drops out of warp to investigate. [This is kind of like stopping to help a wounded wildebeest while cheetas chase you through the Serengeti Plain, but that's Starfleet for ya!] They find an extremely damaged freighter with one lifesign, which they beam aboard.

In Sickbay, Kes treats the injured man while the Doctor walks around in a childlike daze. The man tells Janeway his ship was covered with these little ships that drained all the energy straight through the hull. Their only crime: traveling in this space.

The man dies, though the Doctor doesn't realize this. Kes recommends that they reinitialize the Doctor, but Janeway says they can't spare Torres right now. Kes tries to keep the Doctor talking so he doesn't fade completely.

Voyager gets ready to make tracks from the freighter, but a lone Swarm ship detaches from the hull. Janeway hails them, but the "blip-blip" they get in response gets translated by Kim as "too late." The ship shoots a pulse to mark Voyager as a target, then zips away. The Swarm rouses itself. While Torres struggles to keep the warp drive working right, Voyager flees the Swarm.

In Sickbay, the Doctor complains that he wants to leave, he wants to know his name, and he wants to know who Kes is. He even starts to get fuzzy-looking. She goes to the bridge for help, but they're in the middle of trying to fend off the Swarm. Finally, she returns to the Matrix hologram, who can't think of how to help.

Kes realizes from the Matrix' self-description that he is structured from the same stuff as the Doctor. She suggests the Matrix use himself as a sort of graft onto the Doctor to keep his program steady. The Matrix feels this is a long shot, but agrees to try.

The Swarm disables Voyager's shields and just blows Janeway's beloved phasers right back at her. With the shields down, they can't even use one of their precious photon torpedoes.

The Matrix explains to Kes that there will no second chances with this graft. Once he's gone, he's gone. "Well," he says when everything is set to go, "it's been a brief existence, but apparently a noble one." The Matrix and Doctor both phase out and a giant hourglass appears in their place. Kes knows it will now be a very long wait indeed.

The Swarm clamps down on the Voyager [Remember that dream I was telling you about?] and starts sucking out energy. Through the magic of technobabble, Janeway figures out how to make the phasers work so that they can destroy one ship and thus disrupt their energy lattice. The plan works and the Swarm backs off.

Torres and Kes wait for the return of the Doctor. Will he be his old self or a brand new Doctor? The Doctor appears and doesn't recognize either of them. Kes and Torres are disappointed, but then exchange a smile when the Doctor starts humming La Boheme.

[Julia here again. Before the time rift closed I managed to leave this micro-probe behind programmed with the following message: We will learn in "Future's End Part II" that the Doctor goes through a slow process of gathering his memories back together.]