Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- Threshold

Okay, before I get started on this one, I should note that this a spoiler-filled review is of what is by far the most universally despised episode of Star Trek Voyager, "Threshold." Now, I know some of you out there might just be wondering if there is any episode of Voyager I don't LIKE, or even like, and, yes, there is. "False Profits," for example, was a stinker and a half. However, I do like "Threshold" -- it's a hoot! and people have taken it way too seriously, if you ask me. Anyway, if you hate this episode, you might not like this review much, so I just thought I'd warn you.

So, if you'd like to go elsewhere, how about tooling on over to Bikesite?

Nope? We could probably all use the exercise, but okay...

INITIAL VIEWER EXPERIENCE
I can't keep all these different warp speeds in my head...Didn't the Enterprise go faster than warp 10, or did they recalibrate or something?...Eeew! How dare they do that to Paris' face!...Lizard kids???...How embarrassing, but trust Janeway to deal with it.

PLOT
Paris is in a shuttlecraft, trying to break the warp 10 barrier. Things seem okay at first, and only the urgent note in his voice really lets up know something special's up. But then there's a problem with the nacelles and he shouts, "I'm breaking up!"

Torres and Kim look with something less than delight across the deactivated holodeck to see Paris sitting on the floor, looking back at them with something that is also less than delight.

Back to the drawing board.

The trio winds up in the messhall, trying to figure out why things aren't working right, when Neelix sticks his oddly-shaped nose into the discussion. They explain that going at warp 10 means traveling at infinite velocity, which means not just "very fast," but occupying every point in the universe simultaneously. They found some completely new and improved dilithium about a month ago, and thought they could use it to go "transwarp," but so far every time they try it the nacelles break off from the shuttle.

Neelix tries to help by telling a story about losing his nacelles in a dark-matter nebula once, but they tell him it's a whole different matter.

But then, it jingles something in Paris' brain and he thinks over things from the other direction: perhaps it's the shuttle that's pulling away from the nacelles. He and Kim (Torres is looking for something to eat in the galley at that second) figure out how they could keep the separation of shuttle and nacelles from occurring, then rush off, leaving Neelix to confront a puzzled Torres on his own.

Proudly the trio show the successful holographic test-run to Janeway and Chakotay. The captain congratulates them and listens to their flight plan. Janeway has no trouble pointing out the historical significance of such a flight and Paris swells to about five times his normal size.

However, later that night Janeway goes to the pilot's quarters to speak to Paris in his bathrobe. How she got in his bathrobe, I'll never know. Ha ha. Looking as though he can read "Bad News" written across her forehead, he invites her to sit down. She explains that the Doctor has found a slight problem in his head. If he does the flight tomorrow, there's 2% change he may have a brain hemorrhage. She'd like Kim to make the flight instead

2%! Paris scoffs, not able to believe she'd scrub his flight for that. He pleads with her, the most obviously needy we've seen him yet -- and that's saying something. When he was a kid, everyone [including his father, fanfic writers!] told him he was going to be special and do Something Great. "Well," he says, "obviously that didn't happen." This transwarp flight is his chance to redeem his entire life in one big splurge, and he can't stand the idea of having it taken away from him. Janeway asks him if it's really worth risking his life for.

"Captain, this is the first time in ten years I feel I have a life to risk."

Well, Janeway would never deny someone something they wanted so badly, so she wishes him good luck.

Aboard the shuttlecraft Cochrane, which we don't get to know was renamed for the flight or not, Paris goes to transwarp with a look of awe.

On the bridge, they listen to his excited voice, but soon after he enters transwarp, the comlink is gone and there's no sign of his shuttle anywhere. They scan, worriedly, and then the shuttle appears. Paris is unconscious, however, and they transport him to Sickbay.

Janeway stands worriedly over her helmsman, but the Doctor assures her he's just asleep. "Can you wake him?" she asks.

"I don't see why not." The Doctor says, then leans down to Paris' ear. "WAKE UP, LIEUTENANT!" he shouts. Janeway gives a look (but not The Look, so the Doc can consider himself pretty lucky there).

Paris wakes up easily enough, though, and tries to describe the feeling of seeing the entire universe at once. He saw the stars, and Voyager, and inside the bridge, and the Klingon homeworld, and Earth. But even as he describes it the experience is fading like a dream. He does remember that he was tooling along at transwarp when he looked into the bridge and saw that they were looking for him, so he took the engines off-line and ended up back with Voyager. And the rest is history!

Paris is eager to get back to work, but first, Doc says, "I have some further tests to run on Your Majesty." Paris imperiously tells him to proceed, happy and smug.

Janeway and Torres find that the shuttle logs are now filled with information about this section of space. They send it down to stellar cartography, where the Delaney sisters spend most of their time figuring out how to connect the dots between the stars in order to spell a very, very rude word. It seems they were once visited by Wowbagger the Infinitely Prolonged, but that's another story.

Anyway, Janeway and Torres talk about what a freakin' revolution in mankind's history transwarp would be while Jonas' ears pick up as he listens in the background.

Paris and Torres talk over the flight in the messhall, deciding that their next step is in replicating the first transwarp flight. Neelix serves up his newest pseudo-coffee blend, "Paris Delight," which is so awful that Paris turns blue and falls to the floor.

In Sickbay, the Doctor looks Paris over and realizes that somehow the lieutenant is allergic to the water in Neelix' coffee. Somehow, in fact, the man's entire biochemistry is changing. In fact, somehow he can't even breathe oxygen any more, and the Doc surrounds the clam-shell bed with a forcefield before pumping in an atmosphere of acidychloride and nitrogen. Paris breathes better at first, but then starts screaming as more stuff goes wrong inside his body. He's dying.

Doc orders a frantically worried Torres to check over that shuttle for any clues about what happened to Paris during the flight.

Some small amount of time passes and Paris is looking even worse under another layer of blue-veined make-up. He knows that he's dying and the Doc can't save him. "Here lies Tom Paris," he muses, imagining his tombstone, "beloved mutant."

The Doc tries radiation therapy on him. "Great," says Paris, "now it'll read, 'beloved radioactive mutant.'"

Paris goes on to describe his funeral with lots of pretty girls crying, except for Torres, who doesn't cry. Seems Paris doesn't trust people who don't cry. His father never cried. Does the Doctor cry?

"It's not in my programming," says the Doc.

"What a shame," says Paris; some of his best memories of his childhood are being alone in his room, crying, playing games, or reading. Seems people would leave him alone in that room. He lost his virginity in that room. The Doc says he'll note that in Paris' medical file. Paris screams for pepperoni pizza with kalvarian olives and for a kiss from Kes, but the forcefield is in the way and Domino's doesn't deliver to the Delta Quad. Then he dies. The Doc gives him a neural stimulant, but it's a lost cause. He gets rid of the forcefield and tells Kes they'll do an autopsy later. Kes gives Paris a kiss on his blue cheek.

Alone in his office, the Doctor hears a strange scratching noise and investigates, finally pulling back the aluminum foil sheet over Paris...who is now awake. Paris pulls out some of his hair and asks, "What's happening to me?" The Doc scans him and finds that he has two hearts.

Jonas sends all the info he can get about the warp 10 trip to the Kazon to prove his worthiness. I'm really starting to develop a healthy dislike for the little weasel.

Janeway hears from the Doc that Paris' DNA is rewriting itself. This has nothing to do with the enzyme imbalance that put him in danger for the flight, but he doesn't know what's causing it. Janeway wants to talk to Paris, but the Doc warns her that he's not acting rationally.

Indeed, when Janeway walks over to the forcefield-protected area by the clam-shell bed and takes a look at Paris, "radioactive mutant" has become all too apt a description. He says they'll all be glad when he's dead, since he's been such a screw-up. Then he asks her why she thinks this change in him hasn't been a good thing.

[Okay. It's driving me crazy. Does anyone out there remember the name of the movie (B&W) about the scientist who puts himself into this phone booth-thing and starts to evolve? He develops a sixth finger and a big head, and his girl-friend tells him he's not right, and he accuses her of holding him back from being more than he was, and in the end they shove him back into the booth and de-evolve him. I'd really like to know the name of this movie. E-mail me if you know and put me out of my misery!]

Janeway's had enough of listening to Paris' abuse and turns to go, but then he pleads with her to stay and apologizes for her behavior. She promises him that they'll what they can, and he seems grateful. Then he snarls some more and throws himself at the forcefield. "I used to look up to you," he sneers, and then he pulls out his tongue.

A little later, this tongueless version of Paris, speaking in a sort of guttural way, tells the Doc and Kes that he has to leave the ship, but not why or where he'll go.

On the viewscreen, the Doc tells the officers in conference that Paris' DNA is continuing to rewrite itself, so the only thing to do is kill this new DNA and force the old DNA to recode Paris' body and put it back the way it was.

[This makes me wonder...if I could get my hands on some of Paris' old DNA and inject some of it into this guy I know, would he end up looking like Paris? Damn, now I'm too distracted to finish the review.

*One cold shower later*

Whew! I gotta avoid thoughts like that while I'm working.]

The only way to kill off Paris' new DNA is to take his morphing body down to engineering so he can use anti-protons from the warp core. They need to hurry, the Doc says, because he doesn't know how long Paris will still retain any traces of his old DNA.

Well, by now Paris has almost completely turned into a lizard. The strangely calm engineering crew --I mean, no one is even staring! -- walk around the biochamber that holds the dazed-looking amphibian, and the Doc starts the treatment. But then there's some sort of phaser fire and Paris has escaped.

That'll teach those engineers to be so calm.

Tuvok calls a ship-wide alert for the AWOL pilot, and Janeway gets the willies walking down a darkened corridor. She puts her hand to her phaser as she opens the turbo-lift, but Paris jumps her from behind, knocking her unconscious. Chakotay, nicely frantic, uses the sensors to track the phaser blast on deck six and tries to stop things from getting even more out of hand, but Paris, who's disabled the tractor beam, steals the shuttle and goes to warp 10 just as a dazed Janeway wakes up on the shuttle floor.

Three days later, Voyager finds the shuttle on Degobah. Fortunately, Yoda is terrified of lizards and has kept his distance.

Before beaming down, Tuvok and Chakotay hear from the Doctor that Paris' change in DNA is due to something in the warp 10 experience forcing his DNA not simply to mutate, but to evolve. Somehow, warp 10 has forced his evolution along the human genotype. He assures the officers that the anti-proton treatment should still work.

Down on Degobah, while a little green guy who sounds like Fozzie Bear watches from the bushes, Tuvok, Chakotay, and some security guys find two big lizards by a swampy pool. In just about the funniest TV moment I've ever seen, they phaser the two lizards, which drop with a "thud" to the ground. There are still traces of human DNA in the lizards, though Chakotay says he's not sure which one is the captain.

"The female, obviously," says Tuvok in a great dead-pan. But even the Vulcan seems non-plussed as three little lizard kids wriggle out of a nest between the two parent lizards and go for a swim in the pool.

"I'm not sure how I'm going to describe this in the log," Chakotay says, looking a little sick. Tuvok assures him that he'll look forward to reading it.

"First Officer's Log, Stardate 45678.6: today I found a lizard version of the captain and left her kids behind on some planet with Tuvok's dead body."

Later, in sickbay, Janeway and Paris have been restored to their human selves. Janeway is eyeing Paris as the Doctor assures her that she's fully human again. She'll have to stay in Sickbay for three days, however, while he makes sure everything's okay. She nods and goes over to Paris, fully aware of his painful embarrassment. She works to put him as his ease, joking about having kids and suggesting that she might have been the one to initiate mating. Paris says that, like her, he doesn't really remember it.

Mostly, he's just overwhelmed by the events of the week -- breaking the warp 10 barrier, turning into a lizard, having alien children, having sex with the captain and not remembering a damn thing -- well, actually, he doesn't mention that last one, but it's what we're all thinking!

Anyway, he explains, "Breaking the threshold [Hence the title!], it was incredible, but somehow it doesn't mean as much as I thought it would." He and Janeway agree that while he's done a lot to change people's minds about him on the ship, but there's no quick fix.