Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- Twisted

Gather round, friends, and you will hear (or read, really) my review of the Star Trek Voyager episode, "Twisted." It's exclusively written for the aesthetic enjoyment of Voyager fans who've been waiting for what was really the last show of the first season, regardless of when UPN decided they wanted to show it. For those of you who don't think the feelings of Voyager's crew really affect your life, may I suggest you elsewhere?

How about the Astrological Atlas?

No? Well then, let's turn our thoughts to more fictional stars.

MATCH GAME: VOYAGER!
This is a one-time only feature on Julia Houston's Star Trek Voyager's Reviews! The first season of Voyager is now official played out, so let's see if the characters have been well enough established for you to match the character with the line of dialogue. Some will be easy (1 point), some difficult (2 points). Just to make it more interesting, I've got one in there that belongs to someone from DS9. Can you earn at least 9 points? [Answers posted at bottom]

1. "This is infuriating." (1 point)

2. "You've been one of the bright spots of this whole mission. You've exceeded any expectations I might have had of you." (1 point)

3. "Fine, Chakotay, have it your way." (2 points)

4. "Maybe this is one bear we can't wrestle to the ground." (very easy .5 points)

5. "Paris, are you afraid?" (1 point)

6. "You, my dearest, have seen the last of that green-eyed pusshog called 'jealousy.'" (1 point)

7. "When every logical course of action is exhausted, the only logical course that remains is inaction." (very easy .5 points)

8. "What do you mean, I'm off duty?" (2 points)

9. "Viola! Engineering!" (2 points)

10. "I'm so worried about Neelix." (1 point)

INITIAL VIEWER EXPERIENCE
Is Torres becoming protective of Kes?...Eeew, Paris is still hitting on Kes! Maybe Torres will punch him in the stomach...Why did Janeway suddenly say that to Kim?...Oh, I see. Everyone's expressing their feelings since they're all going to die...Pushing things a bit, aren't they?

PLOT
Kes walks into the dark and empty Sandrine's, only to have everyone jump out at her, shouting "Happy Birthday." Even the Doctor is there, tending bar. It seems she's all of two years old today. Neelix has baked her a cake that looks like it weighs about 20lbs. Torres shows her how to make a wish and blow out the candles. Paris one-ups everyone by giving her a gold locket that cost two weeks' worth of replicator rations. Neelix looks like he just found a bug in his cake.

On the bridge, Kim manages to get Tuvok to let him off a couple minutes early to go to the party, but before he can make it to the turbo lift, Tuvok calls him back to see a spacial distortion which has appeared in front of the ship. Tuvok signals Janeway, but his words are themselves distorted and the party is called of on account of anomaly. Janeway sends everyone to their stations.

Kim reports to Tuvok that the distortion is generating intense pulse of radiation, and that it's now surrounding the ship like a ring. Tuvok figures that if they can't steer around it they should go through it quickly, but the second the ship hits the ring the warp field collapses and they're stuck. Tuvok sends Kim to report this to the captain.

Kim finds Baxter (the works-out-all-the-time-guy who was rude to the Doctor in "Eye of the Needle"), who says that the gym's environmental controls are on the blink. Kim explains the distortion ring and says Baxter should get to his station.

Janeway, Paris, and Chakotay are riding the turbo lift to the bridge, but instead they wind up on deck four. They try again, manually.

Neelix poorly conceals his jealousy about Kes' locket as they walk to her quarters. But then, they don't seem to be able to find her quarters.

Torres turns the corner to get into engineering, and ends up walking into the mess hall.

Janeway, Paris, and Chakotay now end up in engineering instead of the bridge. They try again, angrily.

Torres finds Baxter in the transporter room, and he tells her about the distortion ring. They both try again to get to their stations.

The Doctor is trying to transfer himself back to Sickbay, but once again ends up at Sandrine's. Sandrine herself is all over him, and in the middle of their painful-looking kiss, Kim walks in, looking for Janeway. The Doctor manages to convey his desperation to get out of there (he can't even turn the stupid program off) and Kim agrees to look at the holodeck controls.

Kes and Neelix fumble around. Torres finds Kim, then Kes and Neelix find Torres and Kim. Janeway, Paris, and Chakotay come out of the turbo lift. They'll all ended up right outside the door to the holodeck.

In Sandrine's, they hold a meeting (obviously missing their conference table), and Janeway recaps the plot so far. The upshot is that they keep ending on deck six, and that's the center of the ship. Somehow the distortion ring is either leading them back here, or giving them hallucinations (the Doctor's idea), or has twisted [Hence the title!] the ship. They all make their various suggestions, and Janeway hands out the tasks. Torres and Paris are to go to engineering (he remembers how they got there before on the turbo lift) and try to beam to the bridge. Chakotay and Neelix are to try to walk to the bridge. Janeway and Kim will go in the Jefferies tubes and try to crawl to the bridge. Everyone will take tricorders and keep up scans. Kes stays with the Doctor to keep Sandrine at bay and see if she can fix the holo-controls.

Paris and Torres make it to engineering, where she quickly marshals her troops. Her authority is knocked a bit askew, however, when she opens a door to some other part of engineering and find herself staring into the quarters of an underwear-clad crewman. She tells him to stay calm and backs away, than has to listen to Paris tell her she handled that well.

Neelix and Chakotay walk through the corridors. Neelix asks Chakotay about jealousy and Chakotay says something wise that I can't remember. Baxter pops up and reports that people are having a hard time getting out of the mess hall. Chakotay tells him to find his way back there and tell everyone to stay calm. Baxter leaves and Tuvok appears to announce that the ring has made contact with Voyager’s hull. Neelix proves he's an idiot by wandering off at this point and getting lost.

Kim and Janeway have been crawling through the tubes all this time and think they may finally have found the hatch leading to the bridge. Despite the fact that time would seem to be crucial and there are strange electromagnetic readings all around them, Janeway takes a moment to tell Kim what a peach he's been. She then opens the hatch and finds that the tube beyond it has been twisted. She sticks her hand in it and Kim has to pull her out. She seems fine at first, then collapses.

The Doctor has some silly interaction with Sandrine and the skinny pool player I hate. Kes enters, worried about Neelix, and says she can't fix the holo-controls. Kes carries in the unconscious captain.

Walking the hall, Tuvok and Chakotay talk about how they'll cover more ground separately, but are really just looking for an excuse to get away from each other. It turns out that the distortion ring has a sense of humor, however, and they become the only characters who can't lose each other.

Paris and Torres get the engineering transporter controls set to the bridge and beam out...to the holodeck. Everyone by now is once again at Sandrine's, except Neelix, and they realize that the whole crew is stuck in little twisted pockets all over the ship. They need to stop the distortion ring, but they don't even understand what's happening to the ship.

Kim thinks of using all their tricorder data to make a map, which shows that Voyager is indeed all twisted up. Torres says it looks like the ring is actually crushing the ship in a spacial (as they say in Indiana) implosion, and Tuvok reports that while deck six will be the last place affected, the ring will reach the center of the ship in about 68 minutes.

Paris wonders if the ring is a weapon, while Tuvok favors the idea that it's a naturally occurring phenomenon. Torres doesn't give a gosh darn what it is; they need to stop it. She comes up with the risky plan of creating a shock pulse to reverse its effects. Tuvok would rather get to the navigational array and steer the ship out of the ring. Since they can only try one of these, Chakotay opts for Torres' plan, and when Tuvok tries to insist (in prim Vulcan fashion), Chakotay stomps all over him. Kim and Torres go to engineering to generate the shock pulse, which dramatically shakes up the ship, but only speeds the ring on its way deck six.

Chakotay tries to talk to Janeway, but she only shouts something about her dog "Gan" (or something like that). We then see the world through Janeway's eyes, and to her it seems like the distorted Doctor is talking about his dog "Ooga-booga," or something like that.

Torres wants to try Tuvok's plan now, but Tuvok points out that the distortion ring is now at the holodeck door.

Torres tries to stop with the ring with a holographic forcefield, but it doesn't do any good. Finally, Tuvok points out that everything they're doing is either futile or just making things worse. He thinks they should just do nothing. To Torres' shock, Chakotay agrees with her. She looks to Paris, but he's at a loss as well. They have nothing left to do but ride the wave.

Facing now a possible group death, they all prepare themselves. Chakotay and Tuvok bury the hatchet in shallow soil, saying that while their approaches to command are different, it's been an honor serving together. Kim and Paris stand together and admit they're afraid without sounding too whimpy. Chakotay contacts his spirit guide, and Torres sits with him and holds his hand. Kes and the Doctor hug. Tuvok (my favorite part) stands silently next to Janeway and puts his hand on the back of her chair.

The ring engulfs them and they all stretch around while the soundtrack goes bloob-bloob-bloob.

And then they're out of it and everything's fine. Janeway no longer sees things through the distortion and tells them that the ring was some sort of message.

On the bridge, Torres finds that the entire database has been copied and downloaded, and a huge amount of new data has been uploaded. There's no damage to the ship.

Neelix comes in with that cake. Paris keeps it off his work station, and the party for Kes resumes. Neelix explains how he got lost, and Kes asks him for a picture to put in her locket.