Star Trek Voyager Reviews Written by Someone Who Actually LIKES the Show! -- Worst Case Scenario

With only a couple episodes left to go this season, the pressure is on Star Trek Voyager to crank out some really fine work, especially with May sweeps and all. Fortunately, the one good thing about not getting paid to do this page is that I have no sweeps period. However, be assured that I'm trying my best to do justice to what is turning out to be a very fine May indeed.

In other words, here's a spoiler-filled review of an extremely entertaining Voyager episode, "Worst Case Scenario," which brings back everyone's favorite Maquis/Cardassian traitor for our delectation and mutual Trek satisfaction.

But if this just isn't your style, I can highly recommend Virtual Renaissance instead, even if John Rhys-Davies isn't there yet.

No? It's your chance to learn all about my favorite historical period...well, okay then.

INITIAL VIEWER RESPONSE
Hmmm, what's on Chakotay's mind?...I really wish I could avoid spoilers better before I see the shows, because it'd be wonderful not to know they're in a holonovel...Paris and Torres seem to have called a truce...You know, this sure beats the hell out of "Dungeons and Dragons," not to mention "Asteroids"...Whoops, that's one tricky Cardassian spy...Janeway saves the day again...Do you suppose we'll actually get more from the holopens of Tuvok and Paris???

PLOT
With only one pip on her collar, Torres walks expectantly into a corridor, looking around, before making her way towards the turbo-lift. Chakotay sidles up to her and complains about being stuck on the ship for the next seventy years with Tuvok. Once in the turbo-lift, Torres listens with wide eyes as Chakotay's complaints expand to include Janeway. Finally, he tells her that all the Maquis and 25 of the Starfleet crew have decided they've had enough with the status quo. Which side is Ensign Torres on?

On the bridge, this Ensign Torres nervously watches as this extremely disloyal Chakotay assures a confident and smiling Janeway that he'll watch after her ship while she's gone, negotiating with the Raconi. She's going down to the planet with Paris, but not with Tuvok, although Chakotay suggests that she take the security officer. Tuvok is more interested in holding Chakotay's hand as he runs Voyager. Janeway leaves, and, indeed, Tuvok helps Chakotay settle into his command, letting Kim know that Chakotay has been left in full command.

Chakotay's tension is evident, however, as he asks Torres if she's finished those sensors thingies she was supposed to do. Meanwhile, two goons come on the bridge and Chakotay reads the padd they give him before making an announcement to the ship that it's time for the mutiny. Chakotay shoots Tuvok, and Kim ducks behind his panel. Chakotay talks to him, then Torres shoots him. Chakotay then orders Ayala to move Voyager out of comm range of Janeway's shuttle before he goes with Torres down deck two. Torres is a little hyper at having to shoot Kim. Down on deck two, Torres and Chakotay easily overcome some pocket of Starfleet resistance, then Seska appears.

Next, the Maquis take over the mess hall, where Nelix quickly switches loyalties from Starfleet to Maquis. Chakotay notes to a suspicious Seska: "We're still going to need a cook."

Chakotay now has all the sections report in, and the mutiny would seem to have been completely successful. Chakotay sends Torres and Seska to take all the Starfleet people out of their quarters, where they've been locked down. First they get Kes (who spends this episode doing little but showing off her wardrobe), then Larson (who looks just as good as the last time we saw him), then some more people whom they take to cargo bay one. Meanwhile, Seska reveals that she's less than certain of Torres' loyalties.

In the cargo bay, Chakotay gives quite a rousing speech to the assembled prisoners. Under his command, they'll do everything they can to get back to the Alpha Quadrant ASAP, and they won't be stopping to check out every little anomaly they find along the way. The group has fifteen minutes to decide whether they want to join in.

"What's going on?" Paris, the real Paris, asks Torres, who stops the holoprogram and stalks over angrily, demanding whether it's his habit to intrude on people's private holodeck time.

"Well," he says defensively, "it's not as if I caught you dancing the rhumba with a naked Bolian."

Instead of elaborating on his strange fantasies, however, Paris says he expected to find her playing pool on Sandrine's and that they had a lunchdate. Torres is surprised that it's already lunchtime and explains that she found this holonovel while doing a clean-up of the computer files. It's incredibly compelling, because it's about all of them, but she has no idea who wrote it.

Paris really likes the sound of all this and convinces her to restart it for him. After all, half the fun of a holonovel is someone to share it with...

Paris walks expectantly down a corridor. Chakotay sidles up to him, and complains about being stuck on the ship for the next seventy years with Tuvok. Paris is much more enthusiastic about hating Tuvok, and as a consequence this holo-Chakotay is somewhat more reluctant to mention the mutiny. (Speaking of interactive fiction, have you tried that Borg game?)

Anyway, in the turbo-lift, Paris mentions the mutiny himself and Chakotay explains that he wants Ensign Paris to lock down the Starfleet personnel in their quarters. When Chakotay he asks about those sensor readings, that'll be his cue. Now Paris watches anxiously as the events unfold towards the mutiny -- Janeway leaves, Tuvok tells Kim to follow orders, and Chakotay gives the word for the mutiny. Paris, however, breaks away from the mutiny right away, trying and failing to warn Tuvok. He and Tuvok and Kim are captured, and he's thrown into the brig with them and the other loyal Starfleet people.

In the brig, Paris complains to "Tuvok" that waiting to do something is "boring," and wonders under his breath, "Who wrote this stuff?"

Chakotay has everyone but Tuvok and Kim taken to cargo bay one to make his big "I'm a better leader than Janeway" speech, and Paris immediately goes over to the Maquis side.

However, as Paris tells the real Torres in the messhall, "Chakotay" is so suspicious of the "ensign" at this point that he assigns him to lubricate the warp plasma manifolds. Torres tells him to go along with the mutiny from the beginning as it's much more fun, and he assures her that next time, he will.

Well, naturally, Neelix comes over and asks them if they're talking about the new holonovel. While Paris stares at Torres, feeling mildly betrayed, Neelix says that he tried sending a message to Janeway's shuttle to warn her about the mutiny, but Chakotay caught him and phasered him, and that caused the holonovel to reset at the beginning.

Paris asks Torres, didn't they agree to keep this a secret? Torres says she didn't tell Neelix...but she did tell the Doctor. Kim joins them next, asking about the new holonovel that Ayala told him about.

"Get in line, Harry," Paris says, resigned to the knowledge that he and Torres' little game is now public property.

Paris tries the holonovel again and goes along with things all the way. Dressed in Maquis clothes like everyone else, he mans the tactical station. It seems the warp drive has been off for two days now, and "Chakotay" suspects sabotage. Then "Paris" and "Janeway's" shuttle shows up and hails the ship. A little freaked out at watching himself, Paris observes Chakotay telling Janeway that he doesn't want to kill her, but he has no intention of letting her get Voyager back. Seska is all for blowing up the shuttle on the spot, and after some chest-thumping on all sides, Chakotay fires on the shuttle, and it explodes. His face reveals a deep regret.

Ah, but the sensors reveal that there are intruders on the ship, and Chakotay realizes that Janeway and Paris have beamed over in the confusion. He goes to intercept them, scooping up the real Paris on the way, and they get to the brig, where Janeway is trying to free Kim and Tuvok. Janeway shoots Chakotay, Chakotay shoots Janeway, and Paris hears a voice behind him tell him to drop his phaser. He spins around and see himself! The two Parises face off, but the holodeck, overcome with the sight of TWO Parises at once, ends the whole simulation. Paris stands alone in the holodeck, phaser pointed at nothing.

His body language screaming "I was just getting into that!" Paris demands that the computer restart the program just where it left off, but the computer says there's no more story. [Nope. I simply cannot resist saying, "That's all she wrote."] Angry and frustrated, Paris demands to know if this is a practical joke. The computer, of course, has no idea.

Paris and Torres try to figure out what bozo wrote this incomplete story that's left them all hanging, but the computer won't give. Neelix enters the holodeck to report that he hasn't been able to learn anything either. Paris, moving next to Torres, wishes for the good old days when it was impossible to keep a secret on a ship this small.

Careful what you wish for, Lieutenant.

In a senior officers' conference, Janeway finishes up the regular business to ask about this new holoprogram Chakotay has told her about. Chakotay says it's been accessed 47 times by 33 crewmembers. Do any of them know about it?

Torres speaks up first, admitting to having found it in the back-up files, then Paris, and finally Kim and Neelix fess up. Janeway recognizes the potentially inflammatory nature of the "opus," but hardly seems to mind and wants to know who wrote it. She calls on them to talk to their staff.

Tuvok speaks up. He wrote it, but not as a work of fiction. In the early Delta Quad days, he thought of mutiny as a possibility (Chakotay looks really, really amused by all this, but you can tell it bothers him a little), so he wrote the program as a tactical training exercise. The others insist that Tuvok must finish his work, but he thinks it would be best to delete it, and is sure that the captain would agree.

Actually, Janeway thinks Tuvok should "loosen up," and help provide the ship with some harmless fun. They don't have access to new art from the Alpha Quadrant, and so they should make their own.

Paris says that if Tuvok doesn't want to finish it, he will. He's always wanted to try writing a holonovel.

Janeway says the issue is closed, and with a meaningful look at Paris says she can't wait to see if (read WHEN) Captain Janeway manages to outwit the conspirators. Paris' answering smile assures her that this will, indeed, be in the story.

Paris is working on the holonovel in the messhall when Tuvok joins him, offering up some probability studies he did back when he was working on the program. Paris, however, prefers to play the whole thing by ear, and has come up with a plot twist where a victorious Janeway decides to execute the conspirators.

Janeway would never do that, Tuvok says.

But it's not really Janeway, Paris says back.

According to T'hane's The Dictates of Poetry (which sounds an awful like something Luigi Pirrandello might have written), the actions of the characters must flow from their traits. Paris is more into plot twists and following his instincts.

In the middle of this, Torres arrives to suggest adding "heart" to the story, but nixes Paris' suggestion of a steamy love scene between the "ensign" and the Maquis engineer. Neelix then wants to change the Neelix character -- to Tuvok's great surprise -- and Tuvok finally suggests to Paris that they go elsewhere to work.

They go to the holodeck, arguing. Paris wants to follow his instincts and Tuvok wants to start with a chapter outline. Frankly, though, Paris doesn't want Tuvok around at all. Tuvok had his chance and wanted to delete the whole thing.

Ah, Tuvok says, but now that it's going to be finished, he asserts his privilege as the original author.

They enter the holodeck and find the doctor standing there with many suggestions on the program and insights into holographic atmosphere. Tuvok has the Doc transferred back to Sickbay and reminds the still-protesting Paris that he is the only one who has the authorization to alter the holographic program.

Paris decides he can collaborate after all.

Tuvok applauds his logic (Hey, isn't sarcasm an emotion?) and opens up the narrative parameters of the program.

Whoops! The walls start to flitter and something is wrong.

Something wrong in the holodeck??!!! NO!!!!

Kim reports to Janeway that the comm system is down, the transporters are off-line and the holdeck is scrambled. Now everyone knows that something is wrong.

A puzzled Paris and Tuvok stand in the holographic brig, then get to watch a holographic Seska (looking Bajoran and really pissed off) enter the room. It seems this Seska was in fact programmed by the real Seska, who found Tuvok's little opus and saw it as a means of executing the Starfleet Maquis traitor. She's taken off the safeties and finished up the holographic story so that she gets to shoot -- and kill -- Tuvok. She explains that they can't escape from the holodeck and points her phaser at them [Paris is definitely at the wrong place at the wrong time, but the program seems to consider his presence as frosting on the cake], giving them ten seconds to start running like girly-men.

Well, Tuvok and Paris have no intention of running like girly-men...until they realize that the threat it quite real. With about a second to spare, they jog as manfully as they can out of the brig. They get a ways down a corridor, then get beckoned into the transporter room by "Janeway." They enter, and find that she's taken out a Maquis with her phaser rifle and is getting the transporters ready for a further assault on the ship. Paris wants to use her against Seska, but Tuvok points out that everything they are now seeing has been programmed by that same Seska. Janeway may well be about to betray them. Their best bet is not to play Seska's game at all.

But then Seska and Chakotay appear, smirking at having the captain in their sights. Janeway says she'll shoot and Seska invites her to go ahead. She pulls the trigger, and [Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!] is killed in a plasma back-fire.

Oooh, says Seska (or bitchy words to that effect) guess the captain didn't realize the weapon would malfunction.

"You're an incredible woman, Seska," says a besotted Chakotay, then lays a big wet one on her. She smirks at Tuvok and Paris, asking them to guess who's in charge now.

Paris sneers back that she's made this all up, including the Chakotay who's attracted to her, and Seska retaliates by having Chakotay give Paris a nice phaser burn in the arm. This proves that the safeties are indeed off and that she will soon enjoy killing the both of them.

But she wants them to suffer a bit more, and lets them once again run away like girly-men.

Tuvok takes Paris to Sickbay, figuring that maybe he can use the holographic equipment to treat Paris’ wounds, and that this is as good a place as any to hide from Seska.

However, he didn't count on the Doctor, who appears and scans Paris' arm. While Paris protests that he doesn't need any help, the Doctor administers some "proverbial salt in the wound" with 20 cc's of nitric acid.

Aaaaaaaaaa! says Paris, as Tuvok tries to fend off the Doctor's unwelcome attentions. The Doc throttles Tuvok, and Tuvok orders Paris to leave, but Paris won't repeat his performance in "Distant Origin," so he once again gets a lesson in how hard it is to knock the Doc around when he's not really made out of matter. In the end, the Doc says, "It was a pleasure treating you. Please call again," and shoves them both out of Sickbay so hard they hit the far wall of the corridor.

They're both okay, but realize that Seska must have programmed the holographic crew to torture them. They should really try to avoid people from now on.

Seska then comes on the comm and assures Tuvok that she can find him no matter where they go. The guys decide a Jefferies tube sounds like their best bet.

Kim and Torres explain to Janeway that Seska' control of the situation is frightening. The whole holodeck system is booby-trapped, and if they try to force their way in, they'll trigger an explosion on the holodeck grid. Janeway figures that she'll have to outwrite Seska instead.

As they crawl down the tube, Paris wonders whether the Dictates of Poetry say anything about a ship full of insane holograms, but Tuvok can only make a cutting comment about Paris' predilection for pointless humor.

Tell me, Tuvok, do you say things like that only because you can't come up with a quip in return?

Anyway, Tuvok opens the hatch in front of them and they are confronted with a plasma fire. Tuvok cannot close the hatch, and it seems our dynamic duo are in a bit of a bat-jam, until a plasma-fire-bat-extinguisher appears. Paris uses it to put out the fire, and then wonders if Seska is playing with them. Tuvok prefers to think that the extinguisher came from Janeway, who must have realized their predicament and is trying to help them. She cannot shut down the program or anything, but she can add in little alterations to the program to help them along.

Paris likes Tuvok's idea better, and in fact espies a panel that reads out "Trying to help you. Go to weapons locker." Things are looking up.

Unfortunately, when they try to get out of the tube and into the corridor, they find Chakotay and a thug behind Door #1.

What's going on? Janeway wonders, but, as Torres explains, the program is compensating for Janeway's alternations. Fortunately, the captain isn't done altering.

Tuvok and Paris are taken back to the holographic cargo bay while the real Kim works on fixing the real transporter. The holographic Seska enters, eager to execute the prisoners, but Janeway, watching on a viewscreen, rewrites Chakotay so that he objects to the execution. Things are once again looking up for BatVulcan and Boy Wonder, but then Seska shoots Chakotay.

But Janeway's not out of ideas yet.

Seska has her firing squad get ready to take out Tuvok and Paris when the holographic Voyager shakes from an attack by the Raconi. Paris quickly figures out the new storyline (giving some weight to his claim that he works well following his fictional instincts) while he grabs a phaser and Tuvok gets his hands on a phaser rifle.

Kim works on the transporters.

Tuvok and Paris for some strange reason don't just shoot Seska, and she takes advantage of that to start up a 60-second self-destruct countdown, proving that the Cardassian spy did learn something from Janeway, after all.

Torres explains to the captain that this self-destruct has triggered a timed explosion in the holographic power grid.

Tuvok sets the rifle to kill and says he'll shoot Seska if she doesn't call off the self-destruct. She sneers that this isn't logical. How can she stop the destruction if she's dead?

Tuvok surrenders his rifle and Paris follows suit. Seska calls off the self-destruct and points the rifle at Tuvok, then Paris, and orders the pilot to call off the Raconi. Paris is just about tell Seska, "Bite me," when Tuvok orders him to go along. Seska practically purrs in contentment, and I admit I am wondering at this point exactly what is going on

With relish, Seska points the rifle back at Tuvok and pulls the trigger...

And dies as the rifle malfunctions, just like Janeway's did about ten minutes ago.

"Not bad," Paris says, hiding his relief under manly bravado. The program ends. Little does he know that Janeway and Torres saw him running like a girly-man on that viewscreen.

Kim tells Janeway he's got the transporters working, but she tells him there's no rush. Kim falls to his ops chair and breathes a sign of relief.

Janeway, Tuvok, Paris, Chakotay, Torres, and Neelix drink a coffee toast to happy endings in the messhall. Tuvok applauds the captain on her use of the Raconi, and Torres says Paris and Tuvok will have to come up with something new for their next holonovel. A western? Janeway offers. Or a detective story? Torres says.

Chakotay doesn't care what the scenario is this time, as long as he's not the villain.

Neelix offers his life story as an inspiration, but Tuvok assures him and the rest of the table that should he and Paris do another holonovel, they'll pick something less close to home.

And everyone goes ha ha ha.